Check please!

I'm ready to check out of my busy little life - no, not in a dark dreary scary way, but in the way that when I was at Verizon Wireless yesterday, observing the 20 somethings having fun with each other at their mainly mindless jobs, I found myself wishing I could go back to the day when I had no responsibility, obligations, house/s, etc... Life was all about fun, and I was careless and fancy free... Now, I'm just not in a fun place.

Now, scratch the record and hold on for a second - I know that doesn't sound like me, and it's not me...I don't think. I'm just tired. Tired from not sleeping well, tired from being sick, tired from feeling like there is no end in sight to the insane schedule I'm keeping, etc... I can handle my business when I'm feeling well, but I'm not feeling well, and it's pushing me over the edge.

Why do I have to finish school? Why do I have to take on extra work, in addition to my full time (very busy and demanding) job? Why do I have to volunteer to do extra things...all the time? Why did I have to take advantage of the crashing housing market and buy a second home for a good deal, when if I hadn't, I would be so well cushioned...

I opened the mail during my days off. I spent hours opening and reading the mail yesterday. I filled my barrel four times. It's a desk one, but still! Did you know I pay over 50 bills each month? They aren't all mine, but I am responsible for over 50 bills every month. I counted them. That's crazy. How can I keep up with that? I schedule 2 days/month to pay bills, and if I miss one, I'm so behind, and then I get overwhelmed, and I've suddenly confused my giant budget spreadsheet, and I have to redo everything - it takes hours to fix.

Who has time for this?

I haven't tracked my food on fitday in the past four days. That's unheard of for me. I haven't missed a day since I started using it. Sure, sometimes on Monday AM, I recount everything I ate on Saturday and Sunday, but each day is accounted for. I'm not sure what happened, but I didn't update it, and this is day five. I'm going to update it right now. Okay. I updated it. I've had my lunch, and I'm at 570 calories for the day, so I'm right on track.

I ate bad during my birthday weekend. Luckily, I can't eat that much, so I didn't do any damage on the scale, but it still made me feel gross and disgusting and self loathing. I wasn't feeling well, which is always what drives me to eat bad foods. I don't know why. A bad cold = bad food for me. I couldn't care less about healthy eating when I have a bad cold. I really need to get over that.

I have a bad cold, allergies, stomach problems, bad cramps, and I'm limping. I ran into Lanie at the grocery store this AM, and she pointed it out to me. I didn't realize I was limping. I knew I was the other day, but I thought I was getting better. I miss exercising SO much. I haven't been able to kayak. I can't swim. I can't do anything. Sure, I can do upper body weights at the gym, but I'm really craving cardio, and I feel like there's nothing I can do. I'm going to have to get one of those wheel chair bicycles. Seriously - those look like an amazing work out. I miss getting my heart pumping.

I'm on such a plateau, and I feel like there's nothing I can do about it. With the exception of my birthday weekend, I've still been eating perfectly fine, and even then, I'm sure I was in a dieter's range of calories most of the time... I am just out of the work out routine, and not feeling well isn't helping.

I need to get out of my funk (she says gloomily as she stares out the window to yet another rainy day). I have something to be glad about, though! I can get gas. My family (the ones who moved to GA) have to wait in line for 45 mins to get gas - when the gas stations actually have gas. Lots of times they don't even have any. Can you imagine? I cannot. No, I cannot. I think I'd just stop driving before waiting that long. Sorry, can't make it into work this month. No gas! ;-)

I have a surgery date for my gallbladder: 10/29. I'm meeting with the MD a week prior for blood tests, etc..., but then it will be gone. Yes, Mom, I'll ask about other options, but given the results of the multiple xrays they have on file, coupled with the fact that I've had 10 attacks in the past few months, it does not seem promising that they are going to try another treatment. Mine is a serious case, apparently. That's according to my online research, so who knows...I'm just saying what I read.

Now that I have the surgery date scheduled, I'm getting apprehensive. What if I need my gallbladder? Isn't it there for a reason? It must do something. I wonder how much it weighs? I'll be down a few oz. the day after it's removed, so that's a good thing...I wonder if there are any other organs I can do without... Actually, I can think of several! I wonder what they'd go for on eBay...

They say you don't need your gallbladder. The bile goes straight to the liver, and the liver breaks down the fat, or something like that... I should research this again. Some people have problems for life after gallbladder surgery. Others lose weight and feel never better. If I could have an assurance I'd be in the loser group, I'd be pretty excited about that. There are no assurances. This whole thing seems a little rushed.

We only know about my diagnosis because I read my own chart last week. I haven't seen the surgeon yet, but I have a surgery date scheduled. This is a bit insane/compulsive, even for ME! I will address all my concerns when I meet with my surgeon, and if I'm not comfortable with this, or if it's not "sitting" well with me, I'm going to postpone the surgery. The good Lord knows that if I have another attack, I'll have no doubts about getting this monster removed...it just seems weird to me...like I diagnosed myself with this problem before going to the MD, the MD's couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, I read my own charts and confirmed my diagnosis, and then I scheduled surgery without discussing any of this with my surgeon. Thank goodness I didn't diagnose myself with something more serious! :)

So that's my loooong winded depressing update. I need to get better. I know all my stomach problems are related to my gallbladder, so there is an end in sight there...I need to address my allergy issues, but who has the time!

I also need to open my mail more regularly, and never miss another appointment with writing out my bills, because it's just too much when I have to do it all at once. It also feels like all I'm doing is working constantly and giving all the money away. I don't like that feeling.

I'm back on fitday, and if I'm feeling better later, I'll head to the gym. We'll see. I was feeling weak and shaky earlier, and I'm slightly better now, so I'm hoping to be on the mend. Just cross your fingers that I'm better by tomorrow when TJ and I are leading a seminar!