Wedding Day...again... ;-)

It is very odd that I would have two weddings, two weekends in a row. Most of my friends are older, and already divorced. I kid.

Darcy's baby sister Kerry is getting married today! It's very surreal for D because she is 11 years younger than her, and she always thought of her as a little girl, and now she's getting married!

I still have no idea what I'm wearing. I went to Talbots again yesterday, and I bought 2 more jackets for work, and a pair of pants. One of the jackets is much to small for me, but it will fit me when I'm at goal, and again, I don't think it's too soon to start planning for that. I'm going to need an entire new wardrobe, and I have to dress up for work, so it can be costly.

It's exciting to start planning for that! The other coat is already too big for me, and I know I'm an idiot for buying it, but it was cute, and only $11 down from $202, so hello, yeah. The pants are a size 14, and they are too tight now, but I can tell it won't be too long before they fit.

Anyway, I didn't find anything for today when I was shopping, so I'm bringing three suits with me, and it's up to Alison to decide. The one I want to wear is a light off white, and Darcy thinks it's too white to wear to a wedding, and especially a night wedding. Unfortunately, I think it's the most wedding like outfit of the three. The other two suits are really work suits, and pretty blah.

By next year this time, I will be at goal, and I'll have a whole wardrobe of clothing to choose from when these things come up. That will be nice - I've never had a whole wardrobe of clothes that I'm pleased with, but I will soon!

My knee

What nice looking bones.

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I met with the orthopedic surgeon today. He was much more optimistic about my recovery than my PCP, so that's good. He doesn't think I have a torn meniscus. He thinks it's some kind of contusion. Apparently, my knee caps are higher than they are supposed to be, so I'm more prone to hurt my knee.

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He felt some fluid in the knee, and he heard some creaking and cracking, but he thinks it will most likely heal itself. I need to continue to avoid stairs and walking up or down hills. I can, however, go back to working out using my legs on the treadmill (flat), or the elliptical or even the stationary bike. I hate all of those things, but it's better than nothing!

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I am scheduled to see him in a month, and he's thinking I'll be all healed by then, so that would be a great thing. He also gave me some vitamin combo to take that will strengthen my knee, so I need to remember to do that.

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I'm tired today because I didn't sleep well last night with my gallbladder acting up again... I'm hoping to make it to the gym today before class.

Shopping Trip

Yes! That's what it was like!

TJ and Marcel/lo gave me a gift certificate to Talbots (along with a very cool cook book) for my birthday. Darcy's sister is getting married tomorrow, and I still don't know what to wear, so I stopped at the Talbots outlet yesterday on my way home from work.

I don't know if I have super sensitive hearing, or if the music was turned down too low, but all I could hear was the screeching of hangers sliding down racks, as the pillagers pilfered through the racks of discounted attire.

I very quickly found two suits I liked, and I actually went to the dressing room to try them on. I can't remember the last time I did that. I wasn't even sure what the protocol was. I didn't remember this until I entered, but dressing rooms remind me of disappointment. So often, years ago, I would try on clothes and they would never fit. That is not fun. No wonder I hate shopping and trying on clothes so much, it must remind me of past failures!

One of the suits was a bit of a stretch, and I knew it wouldn't fit b/c the jacket was a size 14, and that's probably the jacket size I'll wear at my goal weight, considering my frame. If it was close, I would have bought it, but it was definitely a Chris Farley "fat guy in a little coat" scene. The other suit was very close to fitting me, and I ended up buying the smaller size of the two I tried on.

That means, I can't pull it off for tomorrow's wedding - I probably could, but I wouldn't be comfortable, but it's a much better idea for me to buy something that is too small than fits fine! Something too small will last much longer. I got a great deal! The suit was originally $250, and I got it for $46!

I still have $$ left on my GC, so I plan to stop by there again tomorrow while I kill time with Alison before the wedding...that is, if I can drag her there kicking and screaming. She too is not exactly a fan of shopping. I may buy that other suit I really liked. Who cares if it's a suit for when I hit goal. I know I'm going to get there, so I may as well start building a wardrobe!

This leaves me with the original dilemma of tomorrow. I know I can just wear a suit that I already have, and that's what I'll do, but which one. Most of them are quite baggy on me, and I like to wear things that are fitting when I'm seeing people I haven't seen in a while, so they can tell I've lost weight!

I don't have a dressy enough shirt to wear with the one suit the fits me properly, so I'll either need to find one, wear something that's not quite dressy enough, or wear a suit that's slightly loose, but with an appropriate shirt. Decisions!

Tonight is going to be a drag. I have a class that's starting tonight, so after this very long and draining week, I get to attend a Friday night class from 6-10. Oh well, I'll live...kicking and screaming...

The plateau continues

I'm only losing about a lb a week now, or even less, but it seems to be averaging 4 lbs/month...very slow compared to where I was, but it's still moving in the right direction, and I am still shrinking. I borrowed jeans from Stephanie that are too small for her, and now they are too big for me, so I need to return them to her. This leaves me with one pair of jeans that fit me that I just bought on my birthday with my GC from Alison (thanks!).

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I know TJ thinks it's odd that I dread all the shopping that goes along with losing weight, but part of that is because I don't like shopping in general, and the other part is that I don't like to waste money on temporary clothing.

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I feel like I've adjusted to my new size. I can't remember what it was like to be the big person I was before. I mean, I know I didn't fit into things, and that I had lots of aches and pains, but I can't remember going through life as ...well, such a fat load, for lack of a more gracious phrase. I don't feel like I've lost weight and I'm a thinner version of me. I feel like I'm the me I was always meant to be.

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I will get the rest of the weight off, but if I didn't, I'd still be okay with that. I'm healthy, I like the way I look, I have energy, I'm in better shape than people much thinner than me, I can shop in regular stores, and I do not stand out as a fat person in society. Mission accomplished...and I'm not saying it prematurely like some other people (presidents). ;-)

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I set out to lose weight and be healthy, and I did it. The rest of my journey is really just about toning my body. My brain is rewired, and I don't think I'll ever again think the way I did before.

Winter clothes

We've pulled out the winter clothes, and no surprise, they are all way too big for me. Even the clothes I packed away last spring that were way too small for me at the time are way too big now. It's only been a few months, but it's quite a difference.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I'm cold all the time, and I don't want to buy all new clothes, because I'm still not at goal. I'll figure it out - I always do!

I noticed another NSV this weekend. I was sitting on the back of Jimmy's boat, on a flat platform area, and I had my left leg tucked, and my right leg out stretched. For some reason, I grabbed my toes, and it occurred to me: I can grab my toes! LOL, I know I've been able to for quite some time, but it didn't occur to me to be a big deal until I saw how effortless it was.

I can sit in a chair, outstretch my leg, and hold my toes in the air - I just tried it. Wow. That's a neat trick.

I wonder what else I can do! :)

Knee Update

I think my knee may be getting better. I have been playing darts a lot lately in the garage, and usually after a night of darts, my knee is really bothering me the next day. This weekend I played for hours on Saturday after the wedding and Sunday after the boat ride, and my knee has been fine. I'm not going to push it, but I'm really hoping to get some good news when I see the MD on Friday.

I'd like to do a little physical therapy to avoid surgery, because I'm worried that if I start having surgery on my knee at 32, I'll probably have problems with my knee for the rest of my life. At the same time, I just want to get it fixed so that I can get back to life. I never dreamed I'd miss working out and exercising the way I do.

Healthy Choices

Alison blogged today about how we need to rewire our thinking if we are going to have any chance at long term success with healthy living. She said that I am rewired, and I think for the most part, that is true. I still crave and eat bad things from time to time, and I have this whole journey, but I don't go overboard, and I don't make a habit of it. I don't give myself permission to eat unhealthy foods because of any reason I can think of - I eat unhealthy foods if I want them, not becuase it's a holiday or a wedding or a vacation, etc...

At the wedding on Saturday, I had one miniature piece of bruschetta (about 1.5 inches squared), a bite of strawberry soup, 2 oz of beef and 4 asparagus spears. The person next to me asked me if I didn't like the strawberry soup (which was very creamy), and I said I liked it, but I'm watching my weight, so I just wanted a taste. She said, "It's a wedding!" I think those associations are dangerous. You can find any excuse in the world to want to eat bad foods, and those excuses will add up to an unhealthy lifestyle.

I wasn't in the mood to eat unhealthy on Saturday night, but yesterday at breakfast, I had a half of a pastrami sandwich on rye. The mood struck. It's fine - I didn't really eat anything else for the rest of the day, so I was well under my 1000 calories per day, but I had it because I wanted it.

I believe I'm down another lb. It's coming off slowly, but it's coming off. I'm continuing to shrink - Alison noticed yesterday. I'm just going to keep on keepin on, and I know I'll reach my goals.

Wedding Day

Darcy and I have a wedding to attend today. Naturally, I was planning to wear a nice suit, but I just learned days ago that it's a casual affair. What to wear?! I only have ultra casual clothes and suits - nothing in between. I only get the bare minimum to last me through each size.

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I went through all of the clothes Brooke gave me, and I found some pants to wear. All of her shirts are way to small for me. It's very strange, they fit okay in the shoulders now, but the cuff goes halfway to my elbow. I feel like a giant!

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I went to Kohl's and I got a dress shirt to wear with the pants. I'm not crazy about the outfit, but it's not all about me, now is it?! :)

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I need plastic surgery. I know, I'll wait until I'm at goal and once I've been there for a while, but for now, whenever I wear a pair of pants that fits me appropriately, I get a muffin top worse than usual. If I wear loose baggy pants, that doesn't happen, but then I look much bigger. It's quite a dilemma.

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In frustration, I just told D that I was getting plastic surgery ASAP. She replied, "You're no where near done - why would you even think about that?!"

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First of all, I wasn't serious, and second of all, thanks. After losing nearly 165 lbs and being 35-40 lbs away from goal, it's lovely to hear that I'm no where near done. I know that 40 lbs is technically a lot of weight to lose, but when you've lost as much as I have, it just doesn't seem like that much.

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It's a beautiful day, and I've wasted the entire first 8 hrs of it doing work. I was just assigned an urgent project for the senior leadership team that's due on Tuesday AM. So much for my holiday weekend! :)

Whatcha eatin'?

I remember the good ol' days when I had to struggle to get 700 calories in per day - 1000 seemed over the top. Now 1000 seems just right for me. I average just under 1000 calories per day, I get plenty of protein in (usually 60-70 grams), I'm doing better than most (but not as good as I'm supposed to) on fiber, averaging 17 grams/day, and I definitely keep my fat intake at an appropriate level. I'm comfortable in this zone, yet I find myself feeling guilty that I'm eating 1000 calories/day.

I realize that's crazy, but I was used to eating so much less, and I've been on such a plateau, I'm thinking I'm eating too much, but I know in my head that's crazy. I'm in a good zone. I am getting more fiber in now that I'm eating 1000 calories/day, and I'm getting more calcium in too, as planned. I could probably go back to 700 calories/day, but I would be cutting out things my body needs.

I need to find another way to get over the hump without reducing my calorie intake. I wonder if I can get a shot for my knee. I don't mind exercising and dealing with the pain - my only concern is that it will get worse. I haven't heard from the orthopedic surgeon's office yet. I'm calling my MD as we speak to follow up. Okay! I have an appt for next Friday. They could have even seen me on Weds or Thurs, but I had conflicts. That was easy!

I can't wait to exercise again - let's hope I'm up and running (literally) before it's too cold!

Local and Fresh

I'm so glad I found a new way to eat. It's so much better and healthier. I don't mind spending more money, because if you are going to value quality, shouldn't you first start with the things you are putting into your body? I'm not just saying that because I can afford to. I have put myself on a very strict budget, and I only have $50 allocated for groceries this week.

I'm going to buy bananas, milk, salad, steak tips, fresh veggies (TBD), pickles, celery and tuna. Even though I will buy all of this at the local market, it should come to about $34. I'll have $16 left over if something comes up. I already have plenty of foods in the freezer, so I just need a few fillers.

Stonyfield farm is located in Londonderry, NH, down the road from me. I buy their rBGH free milk and yogurt. It tastes so much better than the milk and yogurt I used to eat. Okay, I hate yogurt, but I can tell it's better. I was raised on 1% and then skim milk, and I was used to milk tasting like water. I thought I liked that, but now that my fat free milk actually tastes like milk, and not in a gross whole milk fatty way, I realize what I was missing all along.

A simple breakfast

I had multigrain cheerios with strawberries (that I had frozen) and rBGH free milk for breakfast today. It was so simple, but very yummy. It had grains, fruit and protein...and calcium! It was a 255 calorie breakfast, with 11 grams of protein, 1.6 grams of fat, 4 grams of fiber and 30% of my RDI of calcium.

I didn't have my grilled chicken salad for dinner last night, since there was no time (I had leftovers), so I'm going to order that for lunch today. For dinner, I'm making a marinated T bone steak with yellow and green beans. Nice and fresh. For a grain, we may have left over wheat orzo and veggies on the side.

Yogaaaaah

Hey! Who took that picture of me doing yoga? ;-)

I didn't get to the yoga last night, because I got home from work later than planned, and the neighbors were coming over for a red neck pampered chef party (AKA Jimmy is selling some kind of heaters that involved an in home demonstration with an 8 minute video). I was exhausted last night from a draining (but fully lived - LOL) day at work yesterday, so after the demo I melted into my big comfy leather arm chair and watched some mindless television.

I did the upper body section (30 minutes) of one of my yoga videos this AM before work, and it felt good! I hadn't done yoga in quite some time, and I forgot what a nice work out it is. I feel so relaxed and aligned after. I plan to do the lower body section tonight.

Since I hadn't done this tape in a while, which uses a balance ball for some of the exercises, I noticed my body was quite different from the last time I did the video. I could actually feel the different things the instructor was talking about, rather than getting everything lost in all the extra me that was there.

Lanie told me I looked like I lost 20 lbs from three days ago when she saw me last night! LOL. I haven't lost any, but my body is shrinking back into place. Thank god! Shrink on, big mama!

Today is a sunny, beautiful fall day. I'm planning to make it a good one.

Make a splash!

In an effort to rise to the occasion of life, as I blogged about this morning, I made sure to wear an outfit I like (somewhat), and all the way to work, I made sure I was listening to the best song possible...I didn't settle for background noise as I so often do, I found the good songs that I could sing along to, and they put a smile on my face!

When I got to work, I had a meeting, and the people I were meeting with weren't there when I arrived, so I had a chance to say hello to a lot of people I haven't seen in a long time. Everyone was full of smiles, and it was nice! After my meeting, I had to rush to another meeting in another building, so I raced up the steep hill that I wrote about before, feeling GREAT to be able to race up it without having to catch my breath, and I raced down a hallway, and then another one, and walked right into the meeting.

In the past, if I had attempted that, I would have been so winded, I would have needed 5 minutes to catch my breath. Not now! Now I can race around like a kid (almost) and nothing seems to slow me down! (Except my obvious illnesses and knee issues). Yesterday I was working from home, and I had a conference call early in the AM, and I realized I needed to get cat food (we can't have a crying cat in the background during a call!), so I drove to the closest store (as I only had 7 minutes until the meeting was starting), and wouldn't you know it? - they were paving the road and it was closed. The store was four blocks away from as far as I could drive, so I got out of my car, jogged to the store, grabbed the food, jogged back to my car and sped home, with minutes to spare.

Naturally, I should probably avoid these types of athletics, but I can't resist it. I miss using my legs to run and to bike and to hike, so when I find myself in a pinch, I just do it! Like Nike. :)

This weekend, I'm going roller skating! One of my friends texted me and asked if we wanted to go on Saturday. YOU BET!! I can't wait. I need to find some acid washed jeans and a half shirt. Oh, TJ!!!!!!!!! ;-)

So I'm going to continue rising to the occasion of life, and making sure I let my body have a chance to release endorphins. I'm going to take Lanie's advice and give yoga a try tonight when I get home from work. I was avoiding it because a lot of it is legs, but I'll just be very careful with exercises on the right leg. This will be good.

I made a delicious turkey sausage and roasted vegetable wheat orzo pasta last night. The veggies are all locally grown, organic and delicious! I had it for dinner, and also for breakfast and lunch today. I'd like to have something nice and fresh for dinner, so I think I'll order a grilled chicken salad. I want that fresh lettuce crunching in my mouth.

I guess that catches you up for now!

Life is an occasion

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium is a cute children's movie that I happened upon last night. It tells the tale of a 243 year old man who runs a magical toy store. I'm not usually a fan of children's movies, but this one was kind of delightful, quite surprisingly.

Near the end of the movie, Mr. Margorium (Dustin Hoffman) turns to Mahoney (Natalie Portman) and says, "Life is an occasion. You have to rise to it."

I love it. What a simple, yet poignant statement. I've been feeling a little blah lately, not feeling well, too busy for my own good, unable to stay on top of things the way I want to because I'm over committed. I've been getting better, but I have been missing my spark.

Life is an occasion, and I must rise to it, making the best of every moment of every day. As I've blogged about before, getting healthy isn't just about losing weight and exercising. It's about all aspects of health, including my mental health.

I'm going to take a deep breath, take one day at a time, and make the most of each moment.

Fun with allergies

Mine are bad! I had class last night, and I was blowing my nose the entire time. I'm sure the people next to me were thrilled to be next to the germ pit. Today, my face is swollen, and one of my eyes is partially shut. Not quite as bad as Will Smith pictured above, but you get the idea.

I was also up all night with stomach pains. I've been having light pains (compared to gallbladder attacks) in my gallbladder region from time to time. It's not the severe pain I've had, but more of just a constant crampy feeling that makes me a bit nauseous.

I'm still struggling with my health, and I haven't felt on my game in quite some time. I need to rest more, and take it easy from time to time. I'm always going, and I think I need to stop. I'm not sure how to make the time for it, but I need to try harder.

I'm going to make an effort in this next week to make sure I'm eating 3 healthy meals each day, getting the rest I need, taking my vitamins, staying warm in the cold and finding a way to exercise. I'm looking forward to getting well soon. :)

Happy Bandiversary to me

Friday was my one year bandiversary. I can't believe I didn't take the time to blog about it! In my defense, I had to be out of the house very early that AM, and I was away from the computer all day...

It seems like this year went by so fast. My weight loss has slowed down a lot, and I'm sure it's related to the fact that I can't really use my knee currently. That is frustrating, and I miss exercising freely so much.

This past week was a week when my body caught up with the weight loss I'd already had. I didn't lose anything, but I shrunk, and people noticed. It's funny how that happens.

I know I talked about a lot of milestones when I hit the one year anniversary of my healthy living journey, in the beginning of September, so I won't bore you with a repeat of those details now, but I'm just so glad to be where I am today as opposed to where I was last year.

My life was severely limited, beyond what I even realized, and I was a prisoner in my own body. Today I am free. I still have 35-40 lbs to lose, but those extra lbs aren't limiting me. That's all gravy at this point.

I'm hoping to reach my goal by February still, and I hope my knee will be fixed soon enough. I don't know how I'm going to make it through this winter.

I just lost almost 165 lbs in a year, and my body hasn't adjusted to the change yet. I am FREEZING constantly. The other night, we went to a fire and to watch the game at a friend's house, and I wore long underwear, a t shirt, two sweat shirts and a coat, and I was shaking from being so cold. It's only October!

I can't stay in the house all winter - that depresses me. I'm going to look like a snowman with all my layers on, but hopefully it will work. It's 50 degrees out today, and I have a heater right on me, with layers on, and my hands feel like popsicles, and I'm shaking from being so cold. It's a little ridiculous.

What a transformation in one year. I would have had a t shirt and shorts on in this weather last year. My body will adjust eventually. I'm not complaining. I'll take this over my former self ANY day. It's just a bit of an amusing difference, and I'm probably going to have to move to FL. :)

Perspective

This day last year I was kind of freaking out. You see, 10/3 was my surgery date, and today is/was 10/2. I was so ready for my surgery, but then I had concerns about the anesthesia due to my potential issues I had just learned I may have, and I started thinking about the off chance that I may die, and I spent hours and hours and hours online reading reviews of my surgeon and before and after stories of people who had the lap band.

I was excited and scared, and I knew my life would never be the same. I was right.

When it rains...

As if yesterday's post wasn't pathetic enough, it seems things have gone from bad to worse. Murphy's Law is in full effect, and whatever can go wrong, is going wrong. TJ and I have our training this afternoon, and without going into the gruesome details, I am having major "lady" problems, that would usually prevent me from leaving my house, let alone driving over an hour away to conduct a seminar when I'll be trapped on stage in front of a group of strangers.

Just what I needed - another health issue. I think my body is just going through MASSIVE changes, and it is reacting to them in strange ways. There's a reason they say not to lose weight too fast, and thank God I didn't get gastric bypass, because I can't imagine what a mess I'd be. I'm not blaming my lap band - I totally heart my lap band - I'm just suggesting that my rapid weight loss may have shook things up a bit, and now my body is trying to figure things out. It's like if a truck was used to towing 3 tons every day for years and years, it would perform in a way that supported that. If you suddenly removed the extra weight it was pulling, something may go awry. It wouldn't be conditioned to perform in that way, so it would need to adjust and parts of it may still be overcompensating in ways it didn't need to.

I should be at my healthiest, and somehow I don't feel I am.

Anyway, enough of that. My pity party is officially over. I think/hope the worst of today's issues are behind me. I'm thankful that I have lost all the weight I have because I wouldn't be getting up in front of all of these people if I hadn't. I have a new freedom that I didn't have before. I'm thankful that I can go to a regular store to find something to wear the night before a big day, and not have to hunt down some plus sized store filled with tacky clothes, trying to find something that's remotely acceptable.

I needed a shirt to wear under my suit today, so I went to Kohl's last night. They have a bunch of ribbed plain shirts that I like to wear under suits. They are very versatile. I have about 5 or 6 of them already, maybe more. The first batch, I purchased XL shirts. I needed something smaller, so last night, I purchased size L, mens. My mind's eye for size is changing. In the store, I thought the size L looked on the big side. I was looking for a medium, but they had NONE. I couldn't believe I could only find sizes too big. The mediums wouldn't fit now, but they would soon, and the shirts were on sale, so I wanted to stock up. Oh well.

I told Alison that the L looks big to me now, but last year, it would have looked as though it was made for a Ken doll. She told me she totally agreed, and she would think the same thing now. It's like the new jeans I bought myself for my birthday with a giftcard Alison got me - I thought they looked big (not too big for me, but big in general), and Alison thought they looked tiny. It's funny how we get used to looking at things a certain way.

Sometimes I look in the mirror now, and I don't see any weight loss. I think I look as fat as ever...then I see pictures of myself before, and OH BOY, I can see the difference. LOL. I've just been roughly the size I am now for a few months, and I've gotten over how thin it feels to be this size from being larger sizes, and now I'm just at the stage where I'm ready for my body to adjust to the weight I've lose in the past few months so that I feel a difference again.

I'm going to get through this day, and TJ and I are going to be brilliant. That's my prediction. Okay, maybe not quite *brilliant*, but we are going to do a fine job, and hopefully we'll be a little funny too. Wish us luck!

Check please!

I'm ready to check out of my busy little life - no, not in a dark dreary scary way, but in the way that when I was at Verizon Wireless yesterday, observing the 20 somethings having fun with each other at their mainly mindless jobs, I found myself wishing I could go back to the day when I had no responsibility, obligations, house/s, etc... Life was all about fun, and I was careless and fancy free... Now, I'm just not in a fun place.

Now, scratch the record and hold on for a second - I know that doesn't sound like me, and it's not me...I don't think. I'm just tired. Tired from not sleeping well, tired from being sick, tired from feeling like there is no end in sight to the insane schedule I'm keeping, etc... I can handle my business when I'm feeling well, but I'm not feeling well, and it's pushing me over the edge.

Why do I have to finish school? Why do I have to take on extra work, in addition to my full time (very busy and demanding) job? Why do I have to volunteer to do extra things...all the time? Why did I have to take advantage of the crashing housing market and buy a second home for a good deal, when if I hadn't, I would be so well cushioned...

I opened the mail during my days off. I spent hours opening and reading the mail yesterday. I filled my barrel four times. It's a desk one, but still! Did you know I pay over 50 bills each month? They aren't all mine, but I am responsible for over 50 bills every month. I counted them. That's crazy. How can I keep up with that? I schedule 2 days/month to pay bills, and if I miss one, I'm so behind, and then I get overwhelmed, and I've suddenly confused my giant budget spreadsheet, and I have to redo everything - it takes hours to fix.

Who has time for this?

I haven't tracked my food on fitday in the past four days. That's unheard of for me. I haven't missed a day since I started using it. Sure, sometimes on Monday AM, I recount everything I ate on Saturday and Sunday, but each day is accounted for. I'm not sure what happened, but I didn't update it, and this is day five. I'm going to update it right now. Okay. I updated it. I've had my lunch, and I'm at 570 calories for the day, so I'm right on track.

I ate bad during my birthday weekend. Luckily, I can't eat that much, so I didn't do any damage on the scale, but it still made me feel gross and disgusting and self loathing. I wasn't feeling well, which is always what drives me to eat bad foods. I don't know why. A bad cold = bad food for me. I couldn't care less about healthy eating when I have a bad cold. I really need to get over that.

I have a bad cold, allergies, stomach problems, bad cramps, and I'm limping. I ran into Lanie at the grocery store this AM, and she pointed it out to me. I didn't realize I was limping. I knew I was the other day, but I thought I was getting better. I miss exercising SO much. I haven't been able to kayak. I can't swim. I can't do anything. Sure, I can do upper body weights at the gym, but I'm really craving cardio, and I feel like there's nothing I can do. I'm going to have to get one of those wheel chair bicycles. Seriously - those look like an amazing work out. I miss getting my heart pumping.

I'm on such a plateau, and I feel like there's nothing I can do about it. With the exception of my birthday weekend, I've still been eating perfectly fine, and even then, I'm sure I was in a dieter's range of calories most of the time... I am just out of the work out routine, and not feeling well isn't helping.

I need to get out of my funk (she says gloomily as she stares out the window to yet another rainy day). I have something to be glad about, though! I can get gas. My family (the ones who moved to GA) have to wait in line for 45 mins to get gas - when the gas stations actually have gas. Lots of times they don't even have any. Can you imagine? I cannot. No, I cannot. I think I'd just stop driving before waiting that long. Sorry, can't make it into work this month. No gas! ;-)

I have a surgery date for my gallbladder: 10/29. I'm meeting with the MD a week prior for blood tests, etc..., but then it will be gone. Yes, Mom, I'll ask about other options, but given the results of the multiple xrays they have on file, coupled with the fact that I've had 10 attacks in the past few months, it does not seem promising that they are going to try another treatment. Mine is a serious case, apparently. That's according to my online research, so who knows...I'm just saying what I read.

Now that I have the surgery date scheduled, I'm getting apprehensive. What if I need my gallbladder? Isn't it there for a reason? It must do something. I wonder how much it weighs? I'll be down a few oz. the day after it's removed, so that's a good thing...I wonder if there are any other organs I can do without... Actually, I can think of several! I wonder what they'd go for on eBay...

They say you don't need your gallbladder. The bile goes straight to the liver, and the liver breaks down the fat, or something like that... I should research this again. Some people have problems for life after gallbladder surgery. Others lose weight and feel never better. If I could have an assurance I'd be in the loser group, I'd be pretty excited about that. There are no assurances. This whole thing seems a little rushed.

We only know about my diagnosis because I read my own chart last week. I haven't seen the surgeon yet, but I have a surgery date scheduled. This is a bit insane/compulsive, even for ME! I will address all my concerns when I meet with my surgeon, and if I'm not comfortable with this, or if it's not "sitting" well with me, I'm going to postpone the surgery. The good Lord knows that if I have another attack, I'll have no doubts about getting this monster removed...it just seems weird to me...like I diagnosed myself with this problem before going to the MD, the MD's couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, I read my own charts and confirmed my diagnosis, and then I scheduled surgery without discussing any of this with my surgeon. Thank goodness I didn't diagnose myself with something more serious! :)

So that's my loooong winded depressing update. I need to get better. I know all my stomach problems are related to my gallbladder, so there is an end in sight there...I need to address my allergy issues, but who has the time!

I also need to open my mail more regularly, and never miss another appointment with writing out my bills, because it's just too much when I have to do it all at once. It also feels like all I'm doing is working constantly and giving all the money away. I don't like that feeling.

I'm back on fitday, and if I'm feeling better later, I'll head to the gym. We'll see. I was feeling weak and shaky earlier, and I'm slightly better now, so I'm hoping to be on the mend. Just cross your fingers that I'm better by tomorrow when TJ and I are leading a seminar!

The people want an update!

Hi! I'm back. I'm sorry for being gone so long. I had time off from work for my birthday, and apparently I neglected by BLOG in the meantime! *So* sorry. :)

Darcy asked me what I wanted for my birthday meal, and I picked a turkey dinner. I didn't want it on the day of my birthday because there was too much going on, so we decided on the next day. All of the neighbors were going to join us, and it was going to be a big celebration...of food. No luck. All the turkeys in NH were frozen. I've never encountered that before. I can always find a fresh one. The world is ending.

I bought the only frozen turkey I could find in the store, and it was 21 lbs! That's insane. I can only eat 3, MAYBE 4 oz of meat at a time. I could never get through this thing, but that's all they had, so I took it. I got to the register, and it said "young turkey" on it. Okay, a *young* turkey has no business of weighing 21 lbs! I didn't get it at the natural foods store (mistake one), so I should have known better.

We finally cooked it yesterday, and it was the fattiest poultry I'd ever seen in my life. Ew. It was a bummer - I was looking forward to a yummy (small) meal, made with healthy sides, and I couldn't fully enjoy it. I have no idea what to do with the rest of the thing.

Anyway, I had a great birthday spent with friends (way too generous friends), and we all had a good time. I'm now 32. That catches you all up.

:)

I can see what Katherine Heigl was saying

Let me back up first... I'm re-reading _A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius_ by Dave Eggers. This was supposed to be a ground breaking book. I'll admit - his methods were somewhat different than others, although I don't believe (necessarily) that they were his own...that's neither here nor there. Why am I re-reading this book that I read ages ago? I'm not sure. I keep skipping large parts of it. I found it mildly amusing the first time I read it, and I now find it completely torturous and self indulgent (to the author).

I mention this because something he said struck a cord with me. He and Toph (his little brother he was raising due to the strange death of his parents, 32 days apart) were not fans of food. If they could take a pill each day instead of eating, they would. Wow. I have days when I feel like eating is a bit of a hassle, and maybe if I could just take a pill, I would, but those days are very few and far between. I can't imagine always feeling that way. How sad.

So Katherine Heigl - when I was reading AHWOSG, Egger's writing reminded me of the circular writing on Grey's Anatomy. I love/hate that show, so I do watch it, but I also thought it was a riot (and so true) when Katherine Heigl refused the Emmy nomination for her work on that show, citing the terrible writing. I hope those big babies don't write her off as a result. Grow up. If the writers don't know their writing is terribly cheesy, they have NO business writing.

All this to say the following: I've decided to have a guest author series on my blog. Today's blog author will be none other than the folks on the writing staff of Grey's Anatomy!

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(Read in the voice of Meredith Grey)

For those of us on a weight loss journey, we find ourselves fighting. Fighting to live, to breathe, to love...fighting to be accepted...fighting our cravings...fighting ourselves. We fight so that we can live...live long healthy lives. Lives filled with love. Lives we fought for - are fighting for - will - always- fight-for.

We do this because we are strong. We do this because we need to. We do this because we love ourselves. We do this.

Losing weight can be very difficult, so difficult, immensely difficult. Not losing weight can be more difficult - so difficult that it can kill us. Kill us dead.

And so we fight. We fight for our lives. We must live. We must. We are strong, extraordinary people, and we fight for our lives.

*********************

I'd like to thank our guest writers for that very...er...insightful post. Yes, fight we shall and fight we must. ;-)

Nobody loves me like me

I did it. I booked a trip to Ft. Lauderdale (and probably Key West) for November. I only bought the plane tickets - I still need to book a car, hotel, etc..., but we'll be there! We're going for 10 glorious days, and I got a great deal. We may stay with friends a few of the days to save $$, and then at a hotel for the other part of the time. We have two friends we can stay with down there, so we wouldn't have to put anyone out for too long.

I'm soooo glad about this. It's surreal. I found out about San Fran yesterday, and now FLL today! Happy Birthday to me! This is what I got myself for my birthday. Nobody loves me like me. ;-)

I need a vacation

I think my last vacation (real vacation) was in January when we went to Key West. I realize that some people only take one vacation a year, and some don't even have that, but I'm not them. I need at least (at LEAST) two vacations per year. I work hard, and I push myself a LOT. I need time to unwind and just clear my little mind.

My birthday is Saturday, so I took off Friday, Monday and Tuesday. We were going to go away. First California, but that didn't work out, then Acadia Nat'l park, but I'm immobile from my knee, so that's not a good plan, then we talked about going to Northampton, but that plan dwindled, and lastly Ogunquit, but it's supposed to be rainy all weekend, so I'm pretty sure we're doing nothing.

It's entirely possible that at the last minute, I may decide I want to do something, but that is doubtful. At this point, I'm planning to use my days off to run errands, finish painting the guest bedroom furniture, finish reorganizing the guest bedroom, opening mail (yes, that's worth mentioning - I have another foot high stack) and other household projects. Additionally, I will use the time to get caught up on work and my side project, as well as my homework.

That is depressing. I am going to take at least one day to just relax and do enjoyable things. I found out that I'm traveling to Redding, CA for work sometime in the next few weeks. It's about 3.5 hrs north of San Fran, so I'm going to schedule my work trip for a Thursday/Friday, and then on Friday, D and I will head to the bay area to visit with friends (Carmen and Kristina - here I come!!), and to see the sights. That's nice to look forward to.

It's been a very stressful and very busy week at work. Yesterday I got up at 4AM, and started working immediately. I worked until 9PM last night, minus the time I took getting ready for work. My driving time counted as work, as I was on work calls 90% of the time I was on the road. So that's like a 17 hr day. I've been working since 6AM today. I'm starting to get grumpy.

I need to make sure I'm preserving my emotional health as well as my physical health. I have plenty of vacation time, so I should use it. The challenge is - the trip I want (and truly feel I need) to take is so much money. I really, really, really want to go somewhere tropical. That's how I unwind. I love the beauty, the air, the activities - all of it. I suppose I shouldn't be planning any vacations with my surgeries coming up... We may be going to Costa Rica next March to visit friends who just retired there (at 50 - lucky!!!), but I certainly can't wait until March.

I need the promise of Florida in my future. That's something I can look forward to during these long, stressful days.

Lots of updates!

Today has been a very busy day. It's 8pm, and I just got home from work a little bit ago. I still have more work to do, but I'm taking a moment to update you fine folks.

I had an MD appt to discuss my knee issues. After reviewing the xray results, she believes I have a torn meniscus, and I'll need arthroscopic surgery to fix it. I will be meeting with an orthopedic surgeon shortly. This is a bummer. If I have that surgery, I will need to avoid sports/most exercise involving my knee for 1-3 months. This is going to be a set back for my weight loss, but I'll get over it.

My MD was running late today, so I read through my chart - GOOD thing... remember my abdominal pain issues that had been "undetected" for months now? Yes, those symptoms that were consistent with gallstones and gallbladder disease? Apparently, I had two xrays (unrelated to my gallbladder) that already showed gallstones!

Yes, I took a picture of a page in my chart - what can I say - I'm Nixonesque. This was from April, as you can see from above! They found gallstones in April, and never mentioned it. I found a second one from July that found gallstones as well! I asked my MD about this, and I'm not exactly sure what the answer was, but after reviewing both of the results I shared with her, she said I will need to have my gallbladder removed.

So today was a twofer for me. I went in with one issue and left with TWO surgeries needed. That's a little crazy. My lap band surgeon does Cholecystectomies (aka gallbladder removal surgery), so I'm booking an appt with him. I'm also going to ask if he does liposuction, because while he's in there... ;-) Hey, why not?!

At my work, they always have a little gathering for birthdays with cake. I don't really go for sweets, and now that I'm eating healthy, I almost never ever eat sweets. Cake was never a big thing for me - when I was growing up, my Mom would make me brownie cakes or other alternatives. So today, for my birthday gathering, instead of doing the cake they always do, they put out a big veggie spread with dip and they had crackers and cheese too. I thought it was SO thoughtful of them to go to that trouble, and it really meant a lot to me.

Big fat winner

This biggest loser dropped to 162 lbs during the competition. She lost like 109 lbs in 16 weeks. How is that even possible? I guess if you work out for hours and hours each day, it helps. I wish I could do that, but the show must go on.

I mention it because I lost 3 more lbs to a total of 162 lbs lost. Now I'm 15 lbs away from losing TJ. Get out of here!

Yesterday, I was doing my stair push ups, and I decided to do one on the floor - like a normal boy one, not a girl one, and I did it! In fact, I did two! I don't think I've ever done a push up in my entire life! That was neat.

My shoulders and back are sore from all the push ups yesterday, but I should be able to do most of my arm exercises at the gym today. I'll keep you posted! :)

Reporting back from art class

As you can see from my clumsy images and overstated shadows, I'm quite the natural when it comes to watercolor. LOL

Watercolor is nothing like oils - oils can be corrected, watercolor just has a mind of its own. I had no idea!

So our professor told us to bring in yogurt containers to use to hold water to clean our brushes. Interestingly enough, 50% of my classmates had organic yogurt containers. Who knew! What a healthy bunch those New Hampshirites are! :)

I was pleasantly surprised to see that. Maybe by 2010, 50% of my fellow residents will be on grass fed meats as well!

Move over, Michael!

I went swimming before work today at a hotel near my house. They have a partnership with Lanie's gym, so I called and told them I'm considering joining. The downside is that the water is really warm, and so is the pool room- not ideal conditions for laps. I felt like I was overheating a few times.

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I got about 20-25 minutes of straight laps in, and it was a great cardiovascular workout - I could feel my heart beating out of my chest, but not in a scary way. I'm going to think about this as a possibility, since I need to figure out a plan B due to my knee injury. I have to be careful with swimming, even, because when I pushed off the walls, it was starting to hurt my knee, so I'll need to just use my left leg for now.

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This is probably the closes pool to my house, so I'm thinking of calling the hotel directly and asking if I can just pay them to let me try it out for a month to see if it works for me.

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I would like to do another form of exercise today since I didn't even get a full 30 mins of cardio in. I think I'll do crunches and some stair push ups. As far as I know, all of the DVDs I have involve the knee.

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We'll git-r-done one way or the other!

And the cardio...

I don't know how, since my arms were hurting so much, but I went out to cupcake island on the kayak to get my cardio in. I have been good about not using my knee in exercise for the past week +, but it's still a bit sore. I'm hoping for that to be cleared up soon, because I'm in the mood to get back to an aggressive exercise routine! I can only do so much with my arms.

I'm off to my class for the rest of the night. I'll get home around 9:30 or 10:00, so I'll get a tv show in and then bed.

I would like to go swimming tomorrow!

Hey, stop taking pictures of me at the gym!

LOL - not quite...

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My arms are weak! I couldn't believe how little I was able to do on my arms at the gym on Friday. I was still really sore Sat. and Sun. so today was my first day back on arms. I was up 5-10 lbs on the dumbells from Friday, so I'm glad I'm bouncing back faster than I thought, but my arms feel like jello right now!

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I can't believe I'm supposed to paint with these things tonight!

Not feeling so hot

I'm having problems again with abdominal pain. I can't imagine what it would be aside from my gallbladder. Saturday night, I had margarita pizza for dinner. I've had it plenty of times when it didn't bother me, but this was the third time it did. I woke up in the middle of the night with what felt like a stabbing pain in my upper right abdomen. I took a pain killer, but I still felt off in the AM.

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We went for breakfast and I had part of two eggs, and one piece of dry toast, and I started feeling sick again. I took another painkiller, and I rested. By the end of the day, I was feeling better. We went to the movies, and I had a little popcorn. I know that was dumb because I hadn't been feeling well, but I figured a little wouldn't hurt.

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Wrong.

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I woke up again in the middle of the night with stabbing pain, and I was up for quite some time. Not fun.

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I don't know what it is, but I can tell you that it causes a radiating heat to come from my abdomen, right where my gallbladder is located. I'm thinking that must be the issue. I know that the testing didn't show definitively that it was my gallbladder, but I also know that it was a possibility, and also that some gallbladder issues go undetected with a hida scan. I also know that the amount of weight I've lost in the past year, is often a trigger for gallbladder issues.

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For the time being, I'm going to treat it like it's a gallbladder issue to see what happens. I'm going to avoid all fats (which I do usually anyway, but this time, I just won't ever make any exceptions other than a low amount of fats that exist in healthy foods or a tiny bit of evoo for cooking, etc...), and I'm going to just focus on eating healthy, unprocessed whole foods as much as possible.

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Let's hope this does the trick.